Posted in Uncategorized

A break in writing to be sick

Posted on by Jaq

I’m on my second day of being laid up in bed feeling like death warmed up. Yesterday I guess I could attribute to a hangover as our neighbourhood Xmas party was quite the thing. But I’ve got some killer migraine still going on today and I just can’t even face updating anyone on anything.

When I catch up next week the will be decluttering and fires and progress on mostly knitting fronts. Although I’m so headachy I’m easily angered and I could kill JB for suggesting I’m irrational for pointing out I might be late for dinner reservations with friends tomorrow since I have a very busy afternoon and evening lined up.

Aaargh. I’m just gonna go back to sleep as soon as this aspirin kicks in.

Posted in General, Therapy, Weekly Update

Week Six: Sick and Tired

Posted on by Jaq

So I’m low on electrolytes. On my keto diet I’m still “maintaining” until the new year, which basically means eating mostly in line with the eating plan but not stopping myself having the odd treat. Tomorrow night I might take myself out for a sourdough pizza that I always walk by and they smell irresistible. My weight yesterday was on the lower end of this maintenance range, almost at my lowest low so far. I fluctuate around the same area and am getting used to the idea of eating like this as a lifestyle and I think it’s perfectly fine. I enjoy not feeling crap from loads of junk food but if I want a treat and it feels worth it to me, I’ll have one. Anyway, I haven’t been taking my electrolytes because those bastard tablets are bigger than my thumb and if you fail to swallow it leaves this lurid taste in your mouth. A lack of electrolytes is a bit of a thing on low carb diets so not taking them has really hit me today. I asked JB to order me some powder but that’s not here yet so I had to stop at Boots for some Dioralyte. It’s kicking in now and my brain is returning and my dizziness is marginally reduced and I might survive till 8pm before I pass out for the night.

I’m easily frustrated right now too. There are so many things I’m trying to deal with emotionally at once plus travelling for work, long hours and worrying about whether I’ll get renewed (a new contract should be coming out this week thankfully so that’s one less thing). I feel quite overwhelmed by all of it. Also, tomorrow is the last time I see my therapist. She’s off on maternity leave soon and I don’t know if I’ll be working in this city by the time she comes back. I’m a little relieved to get a break from all the stuff I’ve been bringing up, I guess when you know you’re on a limited time frame you try to cram everything in so it has been an overload of at least half a dozen past traumas (I’ve had an eventful life). But I’m also sad and a little scared to be going it alone again.

This is my last week in work for the year so I soon get to go and relax (or run about then relax) at long last. Anyway, here’s the rest of the update – nothing completed so I’m leaving all the lists as they are and settling in to my cold tupperware dinner and early night in a cold room. Have a good week all.

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  I’m not ready for some stuff, building the right structure for the rest going forward once it’s all over
  • Knitting: Made progress on Xmas jumper, am now halfway into the colour work charts which are still stupidly slow but I can now half watch Netflix and have even printed them out for tonight so I can do both at once
  • 30+ Day Minimalism Game: I finished my challenge! And added on two more days and let go of 67 more things. See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date (not updated this week because meh).
  • Did a few minutes of magazine collage stuff but wasn’t really into it.
  • Giant corkboard build is done but JB hasn’t mounted it on the wall yet
  • JB is making progress on building my “haven” / reading nook, I keep getting pictures of bits of wood, he even got a nice old railway sleeper with some cool bits on it for part of the secret design
  • No exercise dates yet!
Posted in Declutter

Weekend Clearout: Clutter Chair

Posted on by Jaq

I tackled the chair I’ve been piling things to sort through on top of. This lead to quite a pile and enough stuff gotten rid of to cover the additional days 33 and 34 of my new extended minimalism challenge.

I’m still planning a fire, now gotten bigger by numerous canvases that I will never finish or stick up anywhere. I’ve also noticed that when I get angry, I’m starting to want to go home and throw more stuff out. Decluttering seems to clear my mind, who’d have thought?

Bonus find of the week: a charm bracelet that’s been missing for about four years. I got it from my brother and sister-in-law and have never managed to find it till now.

Posted in Declutter, General, Lists, Progress, Therapy, Weekly Update

Week 5

Posted on by Jaq

So the furiosity has died down from last week. This week I maintained composure for nearly my full drive to work until, after sitting in a queue behind an accident, 3 big cars / small vans decided to shove in front of me consecutively. 2 of them blocked the lane of moving traffic for over a minute waiting to move once they stuck their entitled bumpers across the front of mine, one of those hindered a police vehicle just trying to get to the scene of the accident as a result of this stupid driving. BUT, stupid drivers aside, it’s been a good week.

We had visitors – my cousin for a couple of days and then some friends with their small daughter for a night. I had a good time all round but am beyond exhausted after 3 days of guests (read: drinking) and 1 night of almost well rested and then starting again at 5am – got to work not long after 8 and fitted in a 9.5 hour day. I’ve literally been staring at my phone for hours on a hotel bed not wanting to move or anything.

I seem to have stopped writing apart from on this blog. I’m also considering ways to get rid of my old writing, especially after the giant pile I unearthed in yesterday’s decluttering session. I hate to throw away partially written songs and poems I did when younger in case I like a line from them I can use later. I like writing songs, I’m just less prolific these days and I’m sure once I narrow down my hobbies and get rid of the excess I’ll stick with music and maybe, hopefully, start writing again.

Do I digitize them, type or scan them in and throw the old papers away? Do I make a giant scrapbook with all the bits and pieces of writing over the years (and from the first 5 pages of every notebook I own)? Do I let them go and just hold onto the completed songs I have done? Do I spend a day scanning through them and keep just the ones I really love? And how does one keep scraps of paper? This is hard for me to work out.

Oh yes, I did promise a fire of the above box (or the contents). This has been delayed as I was exhausted last night and in bed by 8.

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  I’m only feeling things in therapy and not outside because I lack support and a feeling that I’m safe expressing my feelings
  • Knitting: Made progress on Xmas jumper, am now into the colour work charts which are slow and require staring at tiny boxes for hours – turns out I can’t knit and watch movies at the same time.
  • 30 Day Minimalism Game: I finished my challenge! And added on two more days, which means more than 93 more things out of my life. See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date.
  • Giant corkboard build is nearly completed and I should get to start using it as a photo board by the end of the week
  • JB is also working on building my “haven” / reading nook in the window with the good light upstairs
  • I’ve asked JB to arrange Thursday night “exercise dates” as I’ve not made any progress on making myself try out fun, new exercises

Keep checking my Lists pages to see the full lists

Posted in Declutter

Weekend Clearout: Decade Old Box

Posted on by Jaq

Today I couldn’t face the pile of clutter I’ve been building in the upstairs room to sort through so I tackled the elephant in the room: a 120 litre capacity box that we picked up a month or two back from my parents’ garage. This box was packed up when we moved away from Scotland, over 11 years ago. It’s too heavy to move upstairs to where the clutter gets stashed in my art room until we get round to it (recently is the first time I’ve ever “got round to it”), so it’s been living in the back of the living room, growling at us from the corner. It was huge and stinky and scary. And I tackled it.

In this box were cards and photos and letters from loved ones, forgotten ones and abusive exes. There were bank statements and birth certificates and beautiful old books. There was a dress I made for a work party, when I was too poor to afford one, from an old duvet cover and some scraps (I tried it on, I was smaller then and it’s falling apart). There were study notes from exams I haven’t sat in nearly a decade. There were photo frames and out-dated electronics and printouts of music from the 90s for guitar.

It was mostly liberating – at the end I had a couple of bags of emotional papers/photos/writing to declutter when I hit that stuff later, a painting, a dictionary, an atlas, a pillowcase and some Xmas sheet music that I kept. There’s a small pile for the charity shop, half a bag for the bin and a whole heap of stuff to burn (plastic from the files to be removed before burning and added to the rubbish). Tonight, we will have a ceremonial burning, I’ll take some fire photos for tomorrow’s catch-up blog.

Day 30: Old study notes, birthday cards, photo frames, books and bags (and a dress I made for a party)
Day 31: old paintings, drawings, cards, books, study notes, a camera dock and something to strengthen your wrist
Day 32: Cards, bank papers, travel papers, books, cds, fliers, leaflets, fancy dress necklance thing, papers and files

I’ve updated the photos in my 30 day minimalism gallery – I am now officially up to day 32 and my challenge is officially completed! I’m carrying on till I am happy that I’m living with stuff I want, not just junk. Technically I looked at the giant pile at the end and went, that’s more than 32, it’ll count as 32. Check out all the stuff that is no longer in my life here.

The box below is all the stuff I plan to burn tonight –  a lot of it is old bank statements, a couple of nasty notes from an ex (and yes, I still think an “SMS quota” is a ridiculous thing to impose on your girlfriend) and a lot of old memories. I get recycling is the better option but I feel I need this one.

garagebox1_burn.jpg

Posted in General, Progress, Therapy, Weekly Update

Week Four – and Furious

Posted on by Jaq

My mind is struggling with all the emotional stuff I’ve been wretching up for the last few months. I’m getting physically and emotionally exhausted constantly. I mean there are positives – my anxiety has not called on me to take any medication for a couple of weeks now, I’m feeling physically stronger (for the most part) but I feel fuming! Every sound, every moment that is not sleep, every car I drive behind, every person who breathes in my vicinity … all of them! They’re all a pain in the frigging arse! I hate them! I want to scream at them! Obviously I’m fighting with JB. A lot.  And today I’ll admit I drove like an idiot, my frustration made me overtake a truck when my car simply doesn’t have enough pull and it was a bit on the tight side for getting back on my side of the road (technically, there would have been enough space between lanes without anyone getting hurt, it was a wide road, but I NEVER drive like that, I’m usually very chill apart from the odd rant about someone who IS an idiot).

I’m not going online and seeing my friends there, I’m not really in touch with my IRL friends (I actually asked JB if we could avoid the ones I’m likely to emotionally blob out on until I’m a bit more together), on Mondays I’m too physically exhausted and Tuesdays too emotionally exhausted to make a plan about food so often JB orders something for me or I just don’t eat.

No offence, but if I was speaking to you in person right now, I’d probably snap at you. Then I’d tell you something nasty and try hide away under a blanket. And I fucking miss ice cream. So yeah, all the good vibes on the blog this week.

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  The hardest thing to talk about, the rawest pain and still struggling a week later to get through each day.
  • Knitting: I restarted the Xmas jumper and got as far as I did before frogging it last week.
  • 30 Day Minimalism Game: Had another session of decluttering and managed to build up enough to cover days 28 – 29, that’s 57 more items! See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date.
  • Ordered my supplies for the giant corkboard – JB to build a frame for it once those arrive.
Posted in Declutter

Weekend Clearout: Jewellery

Posted on by Jaq

We spent most of the weekend away so today was a chance to have a lazy day at home, mostly knitting and binge watching Netflix.

I took some time out in the afternoon to get a little more decluttering in, this time focussing on jewellery. I found myself thinning out my clothes even further and creating another pile of hats that could go so I figured I’d end up doing something similar with my bling. I thinned out the ones that obviously don’t spark joy, don’t look nice or have no sentimental value. I managed to get rid of over half of the stuff. The thing is I never wear any accessories, with a rare exception for hats and my wedding ring, sometimes for a wedding or formal occasion, and even more infrequently: because I want to. I do like a handful of necklaces or bracelets, I’ve just never felt very comfortable or happy wearing jewellery. I’d really love to get rid of virtually all of these but what’s left goes primarily into the sentimental category now, inherited from dead grandmothers and given as very special and personal gifts.

I still managed to get days 28 and 29 on target and am down to only one day left of this challenge. I could finish it up today but I’m desperate to curl up with my knitting and Netflix again for an early night before starting another journey down for work in the morning!

I’ll definitely be continuing beyond the 30 day challenge as I feel I just haven’t scratched the surface. And I’m still overflowing with excitement and enthusiasm for the continuing decluttering of my life.

Posted in Declutter, General, Lists, Progress, Weekly Update

Week 3

Posted on by Jaq

I’m feeling stronger this week. Only got one thing completed on my list – but it’s a big one and I’ve been making steps towards a lot of other things. The lists have now been added to my weekly diary page that I look at during the week so I’m thinking about those regularly. The list pages (at the top of the blog) have been updated with my progress if you like tracking those things.

This week I finally finished my Zelda jumper – I designed this with the shape coming from an existing pattern but the design and patterns set up myself. Unfortunately, I started knitting it when I had a lot of weight to lose and I’ve lost a bunch of that so it’s a particularly loose fit. In the second photo, JB disappeared and came back with a big clothes peg to hook up the back so it didn’t just hang off me. I’m going to add a button at the top of the neck section so the neck sits a bit better and mostly wear this round the house over winter. I used all my favourite yarns for this!

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In other news, the decluttering is still going and I’ve nearly made it to the end of my 30 Day Minimalism Challenge. I have just 3 days worth to go! And it doesn’t feel like I’ve gotten rid of enough, I’m just uncovering all the more clutter as I go along. I’m considering extending this by another 15 or even 30 days. How long do you think I can keep going? I mean, with the really big days, I doubt I’ll cover 7 days worth of decluttering in a weekend session when I’m home but I can just keep pushing to see what number I can reach right?

I also complained today. I have social anxiety. I don’t like to talk to people. Complaining is not a thing I do. I’ve asked JB to change the hotels I go to during the week because I’ve heard of one with self check-in where you don’t have to speak to ANYONE. But for now it’s regular hotels and I have a few habits I’ve formed to keep me sane. With the current chain I’ve been staying in, I’m now a platinum member. That should entitle me to a room upgrade, a free drinks voucher, early check-in on request, late check-out on request, freebies in the room (cans of coke and bottles of water mostly) and lovely little gifts. I’ve NEVER had a gift (JB did once under my name) and most of the time I struggle to get the rest of my privileges. Well, I do like to do the early check-in – if I drive down Monday morning I have a little routine of parking up and checking in, unpacking everything and then heading off to work. When I get back in the evening I’m already settled which is good after a long day. I managed to get an early check-in today but the snooty staff member at this hotel (this one is the worst for snootiness, top notch snootiness here) said alright I can sort you out by giving you an upgrade. I said thank you and went up to my room. It was the size of the bed plus a foot around the bed on each side. I could turn off all the lights from the bed without needing the bedside switches. If this was the upgrade what room was he planning on giving me? One with the bed in the bathroom? I was a bit miffed, especially as I bring enough food for the first day or two which helps with sticking to the diet and there’s no fridge in the teeny, tiny room. I sent JB a bunch of messages and pictures and hoped he’d fix it but it was still early despite my two hour drive and he was asleep. So… I called down to reception and did it myself. Soon I had one of my usual much larger rooms with space and dressing gowns and armchairs and fridges. Big step. Complained all by myself.

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  No therapy – therapist on holiday. I pick up again tomorrow after cutting work short to do a morning bank trip, a long team lunch and then an early finish to reach the therapist in time. I’ll look so good to the bosses.
  • Knitting: I finished Zelda! I’ve started on the next knit I have on the list but have to frog it because the pattern is wrong. Spent a couple of hours working out the maths yesterday and I’m ready to start again once I’m done updating you!
  • 30 Day Minimalism Game: Had another session of decluttering and managed to build up enough to cover days 24 – 27, that’s 102 more items! See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date. I especially liked my new games storage system – see Weekend Clearout: Games! (or the featured image for this post).
  • I made plans with JB for the building of the giant corkboard which will become home to all my photos, concert tickets and other memories. I need to do a bit of ordering on Amazon but that can wait till tomorrow night.
  • I ordered some beginner’s wood for wood carving!
Posted in Declutter, Progress

Weekend Clearout: Games!

Posted on by Jaq

So this weekend I tackled video games. JB and I both enjoy gaming a lot and our console games tend to take up quite a bit of space so I thought that would be a good area to tackle next.

These photos are from my 30 Day Minimalism Challenge and give an idea of where I’m starting with games. The ones you can see the titles of were thrown out, the ones where you see the opposite side of the boxes (plus nother ten or so, but those are in a photo with non-game items) are where I threw out the boxes but kept the discs.

Day 24: games
Day 25: more games
Day 26: more games

So I got rid of approximately 60 games altogether and kept 20. Those that were kept I removed from their boxes, cut out a square from the front image of the box and glued them to cardboard disc holders. These were then labelled and put into a wooden box we got for our wedding which has been housing all sorts of rubbish till now. There’s plenty of room left for any DVDs we still feel the need to hold onto (mostly JB’s, I don’t really have any myself) and I didn’t even fill up the first (of 3) rows.

I’m really happy with how it turned out so here are some organising porn pictures I took:

I’m starting to notice differences with my ability to find things around the house and areas gradually lightening up and generally looking more appealing but I did not realise how long this process would take. I’d like to have a few nice rooms come Christmas but will target my complete decluttering to be completed by spring time as there are so many areas that I’m only just noticing as I go along.

One thing I will say is I really am starting to like my house, thank you all for the motivation to keep going with simplifying my living.

Posted in Declutter, Lists, Progress, Therapy, Weekly Update

Week 2

Posted on by Jaq

I’m sitting in a hotel room deciding to go without dinner tonight because I’ve already spent 2 hours staring at the Deliveroo app and can’t face a repeat of the same two options over and over again. Keto is not easy when you are never home.

I’m lucky to have JB look after me at home but I don’t think it’s worth coughing up for a steak and salad at nearby restaurants or room service every night and there are simply not enough affordable options without being able to cook for myself. I’d love if there was a Nandos delivery option, I could definitely eat that more often than the other choices but Nandos is a bit far out.

I’ve also been struggling with work quite a bit. I’m especially finding certain situations in work difficult and I would love to have a discussion with my manager about my mental health issues to find a more sustainable way of working all round. However, I’m a contractor. Next month could be my last (half) month and I’m not overly convinced the financial world is as evolved as they claim to be on these issues despite the training and the mental health first aiders and all the awareness weeks. I don’t have enough savings for a 6 month gap because hotels and transport have been costly on this contract (despite not eating out much). I can’t lose this job yet if I can help it!

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  I need to learn to express myself more healthily at work and not be an emotionless robot – it’s too much pressure being the sole breadwinner, never being home and maintaining this image of perfection I feel the need to put on when in the office.
  • 30 Day Writing Challenge: I finished! Haven’t written since but I have journalled about some stuff and finally started drawing.
  • 30 Day Minimalism Game: Had another session of decluttering and managed to build up enough to cover days 17 – 23, that’s 140 more items! See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date.
  • Marie Kondo book: I’ve finished reading this. Then I had a problem. I kept not being able to fall asleep because I wanted to wake up already and start getting rid of stuff. So I got very little sleep at the weekend. I’m glad I’m so excited about it but I’d also like to pace myself so I don’t just get started and then give up after a week.
  • I did some drawings in my journal and it turned out I actually liked the first one I drew. I say drawings, I had watercolours too. I’ve set that as the featured image for this post if you’re curious.