Category: Progress

Posted in Declutter, General, Progress

I choose violence

Posted on by Jaq
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I’ve been in hibernation. I’ve been evolving in a cocoon. I’ve been unwell. I’ve been healing. I’ve been growing.

Today I woke up and chose violence. Violence against my apathy. I am older, I am more whole and I’m taking a step today to do one thing that I’ve been putting off for years.

I begin with a much dreaded digital declutter. Clearing files and folders, photos and programmes, desktops and downloads. Most importantly I’ll make space for an upcoming digital project and clear all the time-sucking apps from my phone to help me move from mindless staring at my phone to choosing something productive with my downtime.

There’s no time like the present so I’m putting on my favourite music and zoning out to the joys of cleaning, virtually.

Posted in Healing, Progress, Therapy, Uncategorized

Accepting my body as me

Posted on by Jaq

My recent changes in my journey have made me aware of my relationship with my body. I am afraid of touch and have been for years. There was a time I really enjoyed touch but the fear became physical pain and it just grew from there.

I can pinpoint life experiences of a sexual nature that are the obvious sources of my fear, but I’m also discovering how I view my body runs much deeper.

As a child I was universally praised for my keen mind. It was the source of the moment when I first realised I didn’t have to believe what I was told by my elders about who I am as a person. Most of my life I had heard from some source or another that I was annoying, a disappointment, worthless or a dozen other labels I accepted as part of me and my life. When one of them said I was stupid, I knew they were wrong and dared to think differently.

It is also this mind I was praised for that I try to be. I am not a soul or a body but a mind. That is how I seek to be seen. I deny my body of sensation, pleasure, acknowledgment and it is not there; it is not a part of me any more than is absolutely necessary to survive (and to enjoy food). I allow my soul nourishment largely from the point of view that it is beneficial to my mind. My mind has uniquely been a source of strength where my body and soul have exposed me to pain and brutality. My mind has brought me praise and security and respect. My body has betrayed me most of all, it is because of my body, because I physically exist, that I was punished as a child and raped as a girl and demeaned as a woman.

I’ve just begun reaching out to my feelings and they are starting to come forward. My next goal is to connect to my body.

Posted in General, Progress, Therapy, Weekly Update

Back after a sick month

Posted on by Jaq

I last wrote just as I caught a lurgy from one of my neighbours at the start of my Christmas break. As a general update, my break was all about being sick. We did two nights away just as we started getting sick then came home and slept and barely prepped the house for our Christmas guests (thankfully close enough family that no one minds). After that we stayed sick and cancelled visitors and cancelled visiting others. We cancelled New Years and spent it in bed feeling sick. About three days before my return to work today I made JB take me to the local vintage furniture shops to just get out of the house. That’s the first time I’ve let the house in nearly three weeks! I’m so glad to be almost back to normal but didn’t get the rest I felt I really needed.

There’s very little progress to really take note of this last month. On the plus side I maintained my weight over Christmas and in the last few days I actually saw a drop and got to a new low weight, officially making it into the “healthy” BMI range for the first time! I’m now within touching distance of my goal weight, just 6kg away from a total drop of 20kg. Restarting the strict diet this week so hoping to reach my goal in the next couple of months.

I also finally finished the Xmas jumper (minus some last minute touch-ups – see below). Wanted to use the spare yarn I got and chose to start a work blanket (it’s cold in the office). I’m tired, it’s been a long day. I’ve got myself back together and will be back to regular writing from this week. Hope you all had a great holiday.

My journey this week month

  • Therapy in one sentence:  Therapy is officially over, I’ve been reflecting since and have made some big self-discoveries and had time to unwind.
  • Knitting: Finished Xmas jumper! Then had to unravel because it had a girly neckline. Knitted up a new neckline which now looks right but has a line where the old neckline is. Planning to add some colourwork around the neckline area, a quote from Star Wars.
  • 30+ Day Minimalism Game: I didn’t add any new “days” to my list but I did get rid of my hardest item, a guitar given to me by my parents for my 21st. This was gifted back to my mother for Christmas.
  • Giant corkboard build is done but JB hasn’t mounted it on the wall yet
  • JB is nearly finished my “haven” / reading nook, but has not made progress while we’ve been sick
  • No exercise dates yet!
Posted in Declutter, General, Lists, Progress, Therapy, Weekly Update

Week 5

Posted on by Jaq

So the furiosity has died down from last week. This week I maintained composure for nearly my full drive to work until, after sitting in a queue behind an accident, 3 big cars / small vans decided to shove in front of me consecutively. 2 of them blocked the lane of moving traffic for over a minute waiting to move once they stuck their entitled bumpers across the front of mine, one of those hindered a police vehicle just trying to get to the scene of the accident as a result of this stupid driving. BUT, stupid drivers aside, it’s been a good week.

We had visitors – my cousin for a couple of days and then some friends with their small daughter for a night. I had a good time all round but am beyond exhausted after 3 days of guests (read: drinking) and 1 night of almost well rested and then starting again at 5am – got to work not long after 8 and fitted in a 9.5 hour day. I’ve literally been staring at my phone for hours on a hotel bed not wanting to move or anything.

I seem to have stopped writing apart from on this blog. I’m also considering ways to get rid of my old writing, especially after the giant pile I unearthed in yesterday’s decluttering session. I hate to throw away partially written songs and poems I did when younger in case I like a line from them I can use later. I like writing songs, I’m just less prolific these days and I’m sure once I narrow down my hobbies and get rid of the excess I’ll stick with music and maybe, hopefully, start writing again.

Do I digitize them, type or scan them in and throw the old papers away? Do I make a giant scrapbook with all the bits and pieces of writing over the years (and from the first 5 pages of every notebook I own)? Do I let them go and just hold onto the completed songs I have done? Do I spend a day scanning through them and keep just the ones I really love? And how does one keep scraps of paper? This is hard for me to work out.

Oh yes, I did promise a fire of the above box (or the contents). This has been delayed as I was exhausted last night and in bed by 8.

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  I’m only feeling things in therapy and not outside because I lack support and a feeling that I’m safe expressing my feelings
  • Knitting: Made progress on Xmas jumper, am now into the colour work charts which are slow and require staring at tiny boxes for hours – turns out I can’t knit and watch movies at the same time.
  • 30 Day Minimalism Game: I finished my challenge! And added on two more days, which means more than 93 more things out of my life. See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date.
  • Giant corkboard build is nearly completed and I should get to start using it as a photo board by the end of the week
  • JB is also working on building my “haven” / reading nook in the window with the good light upstairs
  • I’ve asked JB to arrange Thursday night “exercise dates” as I’ve not made any progress on making myself try out fun, new exercises

Keep checking my Lists pages to see the full lists

Posted in General, Progress, Therapy, Weekly Update

Week Four – and Furious

Posted on by Jaq

My mind is struggling with all the emotional stuff I’ve been wretching up for the last few months. I’m getting physically and emotionally exhausted constantly. I mean there are positives – my anxiety has not called on me to take any medication for a couple of weeks now, I’m feeling physically stronger (for the most part) but I feel fuming! Every sound, every moment that is not sleep, every car I drive behind, every person who breathes in my vicinity … all of them! They’re all a pain in the frigging arse! I hate them! I want to scream at them! Obviously I’m fighting with JB. A lot.  And today I’ll admit I drove like an idiot, my frustration made me overtake a truck when my car simply doesn’t have enough pull and it was a bit on the tight side for getting back on my side of the road (technically, there would have been enough space between lanes without anyone getting hurt, it was a wide road, but I NEVER drive like that, I’m usually very chill apart from the odd rant about someone who IS an idiot).

I’m not going online and seeing my friends there, I’m not really in touch with my IRL friends (I actually asked JB if we could avoid the ones I’m likely to emotionally blob out on until I’m a bit more together), on Mondays I’m too physically exhausted and Tuesdays too emotionally exhausted to make a plan about food so often JB orders something for me or I just don’t eat.

No offence, but if I was speaking to you in person right now, I’d probably snap at you. Then I’d tell you something nasty and try hide away under a blanket. And I fucking miss ice cream. So yeah, all the good vibes on the blog this week.

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  The hardest thing to talk about, the rawest pain and still struggling a week later to get through each day.
  • Knitting: I restarted the Xmas jumper and got as far as I did before frogging it last week.
  • 30 Day Minimalism Game: Had another session of decluttering and managed to build up enough to cover days 28 – 29, that’s 57 more items! See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date.
  • Ordered my supplies for the giant corkboard – JB to build a frame for it once those arrive.
Posted in Declutter, General, Lists, Progress, Weekly Update

Week 3

Posted on by Jaq

I’m feeling stronger this week. Only got one thing completed on my list – but it’s a big one and I’ve been making steps towards a lot of other things. The lists have now been added to my weekly diary page that I look at during the week so I’m thinking about those regularly. The list pages (at the top of the blog) have been updated with my progress if you like tracking those things.

This week I finally finished my Zelda jumper – I designed this with the shape coming from an existing pattern but the design and patterns set up myself. Unfortunately, I started knitting it when I had a lot of weight to lose and I’ve lost a bunch of that so it’s a particularly loose fit. In the second photo, JB disappeared and came back with a big clothes peg to hook up the back so it didn’t just hang off me. I’m going to add a button at the top of the neck section so the neck sits a bit better and mostly wear this round the house over winter. I used all my favourite yarns for this!

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In other news, the decluttering is still going and I’ve nearly made it to the end of my 30 Day Minimalism Challenge. I have just 3 days worth to go! And it doesn’t feel like I’ve gotten rid of enough, I’m just uncovering all the more clutter as I go along. I’m considering extending this by another 15 or even 30 days. How long do you think I can keep going? I mean, with the really big days, I doubt I’ll cover 7 days worth of decluttering in a weekend session when I’m home but I can just keep pushing to see what number I can reach right?

I also complained today. I have social anxiety. I don’t like to talk to people. Complaining is not a thing I do. I’ve asked JB to change the hotels I go to during the week because I’ve heard of one with self check-in where you don’t have to speak to ANYONE. But for now it’s regular hotels and I have a few habits I’ve formed to keep me sane. With the current chain I’ve been staying in, I’m now a platinum member. That should entitle me to a room upgrade, a free drinks voucher, early check-in on request, late check-out on request, freebies in the room (cans of coke and bottles of water mostly) and lovely little gifts. I’ve NEVER had a gift (JB did once under my name) and most of the time I struggle to get the rest of my privileges. Well, I do like to do the early check-in – if I drive down Monday morning I have a little routine of parking up and checking in, unpacking everything and then heading off to work. When I get back in the evening I’m already settled which is good after a long day. I managed to get an early check-in today but the snooty staff member at this hotel (this one is the worst for snootiness, top notch snootiness here) said alright I can sort you out by giving you an upgrade. I said thank you and went up to my room. It was the size of the bed plus a foot around the bed on each side. I could turn off all the lights from the bed without needing the bedside switches. If this was the upgrade what room was he planning on giving me? One with the bed in the bathroom? I was a bit miffed, especially as I bring enough food for the first day or two which helps with sticking to the diet and there’s no fridge in the teeny, tiny room. I sent JB a bunch of messages and pictures and hoped he’d fix it but it was still early despite my two hour drive and he was asleep. So… I called down to reception and did it myself. Soon I had one of my usual much larger rooms with space and dressing gowns and armchairs and fridges. Big step. Complained all by myself.

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  No therapy – therapist on holiday. I pick up again tomorrow after cutting work short to do a morning bank trip, a long team lunch and then an early finish to reach the therapist in time. I’ll look so good to the bosses.
  • Knitting: I finished Zelda! I’ve started on the next knit I have on the list but have to frog it because the pattern is wrong. Spent a couple of hours working out the maths yesterday and I’m ready to start again once I’m done updating you!
  • 30 Day Minimalism Game: Had another session of decluttering and managed to build up enough to cover days 24 – 27, that’s 102 more items! See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date. I especially liked my new games storage system – see Weekend Clearout: Games! (or the featured image for this post).
  • I made plans with JB for the building of the giant corkboard which will become home to all my photos, concert tickets and other memories. I need to do a bit of ordering on Amazon but that can wait till tomorrow night.
  • I ordered some beginner’s wood for wood carving!
Posted in Declutter, Progress

Weekend Clearout: Games!

Posted on by Jaq

So this weekend I tackled video games. JB and I both enjoy gaming a lot and our console games tend to take up quite a bit of space so I thought that would be a good area to tackle next.

These photos are from my 30 Day Minimalism Challenge and give an idea of where I’m starting with games. The ones you can see the titles of were thrown out, the ones where you see the opposite side of the boxes (plus nother ten or so, but those are in a photo with non-game items) are where I threw out the boxes but kept the discs.

Day 24: games
Day 25: more games
Day 26: more games

So I got rid of approximately 60 games altogether and kept 20. Those that were kept I removed from their boxes, cut out a square from the front image of the box and glued them to cardboard disc holders. These were then labelled and put into a wooden box we got for our wedding which has been housing all sorts of rubbish till now. There’s plenty of room left for any DVDs we still feel the need to hold onto (mostly JB’s, I don’t really have any myself) and I didn’t even fill up the first (of 3) rows.

I’m really happy with how it turned out so here are some organising porn pictures I took:

I’m starting to notice differences with my ability to find things around the house and areas gradually lightening up and generally looking more appealing but I did not realise how long this process would take. I’d like to have a few nice rooms come Christmas but will target my complete decluttering to be completed by spring time as there are so many areas that I’m only just noticing as I go along.

One thing I will say is I really am starting to like my house, thank you all for the motivation to keep going with simplifying my living.

Posted in Declutter, Lists, Progress, Therapy, Weekly Update

Week 2

Posted on by Jaq

I’m sitting in a hotel room deciding to go without dinner tonight because I’ve already spent 2 hours staring at the Deliveroo app and can’t face a repeat of the same two options over and over again. Keto is not easy when you are never home.

I’m lucky to have JB look after me at home but I don’t think it’s worth coughing up for a steak and salad at nearby restaurants or room service every night and there are simply not enough affordable options without being able to cook for myself. I’d love if there was a Nandos delivery option, I could definitely eat that more often than the other choices but Nandos is a bit far out.

I’ve also been struggling with work quite a bit. I’m especially finding certain situations in work difficult and I would love to have a discussion with my manager about my mental health issues to find a more sustainable way of working all round. However, I’m a contractor. Next month could be my last (half) month and I’m not overly convinced the financial world is as evolved as they claim to be on these issues despite the training and the mental health first aiders and all the awareness weeks. I don’t have enough savings for a 6 month gap because hotels and transport have been costly on this contract (despite not eating out much). I can’t lose this job yet if I can help it!

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  I need to learn to express myself more healthily at work and not be an emotionless robot – it’s too much pressure being the sole breadwinner, never being home and maintaining this image of perfection I feel the need to put on when in the office.
  • 30 Day Writing Challenge: I finished! Haven’t written since but I have journalled about some stuff and finally started drawing.
  • 30 Day Minimalism Game: Had another session of decluttering and managed to build up enough to cover days 17 – 23, that’s 140 more items! See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date.
  • Marie Kondo book: I’ve finished reading this. Then I had a problem. I kept not being able to fall asleep because I wanted to wake up already and start getting rid of stuff. So I got very little sleep at the weekend. I’m glad I’m so excited about it but I’d also like to pace myself so I don’t just get started and then give up after a week.
  • I did some drawings in my journal and it turned out I actually liked the first one I drew. I say drawings, I had watercolours too. I’ve set that as the featured image for this post if you’re curious.
Posted in Declutter, Progress

Weekend Clearout: Bears and Hats and Things

Posted on by Jaq

I spent half the day sorting through a bunch more stuff – mostly gathered from my “art room” which has lots of stuff and art supplies but I never go into because the room is just overwhelming to spend time in.

The big categories that got culled were teddy bears and hats. I’ve never really been able to throw out fluffy things and, well, I’m a big fan of hats but haven’t worn them much in recent years. Most of my hats have been living in a pile on some Ikea shelves since we moved here a few years ago. In addition to these I no longer have: some odds and ends from the bathroom, art supplies, I walked past some shoes so those got thrown into the pile, some gifted ornaments, piles of magazines, old cassettes and CDs, some useless gizmos and toys, all my pen ink that is no doubt out of date, knitting needles and a selection of reading glasses and sunglasses that never got cleared out.

I also managed to find a couple of things I’d lost or forgotten about. The most notable were two lovely pairs of sunglasses, one of which I’ll get prescription lenses for, and a couple of my most wonderful pens (I’ve been looking for these for months).

Another massive bonus was that I talked to my mother about the guitar they got me for my 21st. It’s a beautiful semi-acoustic Fender guitar, but one that has never really sparked joy and I feel I play my other guitars less while it lives in this house. So I have agreed to regift it to my mother for Christmas after a fresh set of strings and some TLC in cleaning and oiling the neck. She hasn’t had a guitar of her own since giving me hers when I was a teenager and has been thinking of getting back into playing guitar. It means a lot to be able to keep it in the family and the hope is that my niece will inherit it at some point.

While it’s great to free up some stuff, it still feels like there is a mountain of stuff to go through in that room (and the rest of the house) before I can even start to feel like it’s getting there. That is the room with boxes and boxes of old memories, photos, cards, etc are waiting to be cleared – I suspect until I get through those that room will always weigh me down.

Posted in Declutter, Lists, Progress, Therapy, Weekly Update

The first week

Posted on by Jaq

So this last week has been hard to keep my head together mentally but it’s the start of a new week and I’m ready to throw myself back into work with the help of a little caffeine to push my concentration. I have a volatile reaction to caffeine and I get heart palpitations, a self-induced panic attack reaction. I’m going to have to take some beta-blockers to counter the effects of one caffeinated drink per day while I’m in the office. I hate this. It’s a thing I do. But it’s a thing I do rarely and this week needs my attention back as last week I was noticably off kilter in work. I’ve found Wednesdays to be the hardest days as they come right after therapy evenings and my mind just decides that my brain will not work on a Wednesday after a particularly tough session, while it spends a day or two muddling out what has been covered.

So the theme of the week is caffeine and keeping it together at work and hopefully becoming an aunty (my cousin/substitute little sister was due last week).  Progress updates and further info below.

My journey this week

  • Therapy in one sentence:  It turns out I’m maybe a little more open to move cities/towns (for perfectly valid reasons) since it means I can leave my close female friends before they realise they don’t want me as a friend so I can’t get hurt.
  • 30 Day Writing Challenge: I am one day away from completing this. I would be finishing up tonight but I had one day last week when I spent all day working on setting up this blog, did loads of writing on that and then had a busy evening and skipped (forgot) the writing challenge. But it’s so close.
  • 30 Day Minimalism Game: Got my mother and sister to agree to take part in this. The start date is now set for the first of November. Since I’m not home that much, I’m just doing bulk decluttering sessions to keep myself ahead of the game. So I’m starting now and saving up the photos to cover the days of the game. See 30 Day Minimalism Game for updates and gallery to date.
  • Haven creation: Some progress on this – while on my decluttering mission today I got JB to agree to build my window/ground seat in the games room window where the light is good. He said he’d do it by Christmas so fingers crossed that all happens.
  • Maths papers: I created a bunch of maths papers for tutoring my neighbour – this is the first thing officially checked off on my hobby (or any) list!