The Only Life

A couple of days ago I got my first knitting request in a while. People often accept my gifts of knitted goods and sometimes even wear them around me but this is the first time someone (grown up) actually asked for something.

My cousin is about to have a baby boy and wants to reinforce her gender stereotypes by wrapping him up in a baby blue hat and blanket when he’s born. I have a tight time limit and was forced to get her to pay for some yarn but the yarn arrived last night and I got a start on a full baby set that she’ll keep forever as memories.

First stop, one newborn hat…

I’ve amended the pattern to work it in the round. Who needs seems against their baby head? I’ll post a finished photo when I start the next item (blanket).

Therapy breakthrough today. Not a surprise because I’ve always known I hate my body. Only I don’t hate it in a look in the mirror and think I’m fat sort of way. I hate it for being weak and female and not as strong as the grown men who used their physical strength against me in my younger days. So much hurt and pain because my body couldn’t fight back.

So when I’m home I hide away in the bedroom. Hub mostly hangs out in the lounge or tinkers with house or garden stuff during the day but I hide in my room. I feel held back, and like I have to hide. I feel like I am changing and he won’t move with me. He is supportive in his way but the odd comment reveals how he feels about my changes, my therapy, my anxiety and depression. Those hurt enough to push me into hiding.

So, trapped in my room, safe in the knowledge that he rarely comes to bed before 2-3 am after his obligatory nap on the sofa, I Googled my head problems. I learned how growth mindset is a scale not a thing you are or aren’t, and even though I’m growing in some areas I have a fixed mindset about others, like my relationship and him specifically. I have thoughts that if certain things don’t happen he doesn’t love me or the relationship is doomed.

I also Googled how to deal with a spouse with a fixed mindset to little avail. And then I realised: I don’t need to change him. And if he never books us in with a couple’s counsellor like he said he would, it doesn’t matter. I need to address my own mindset in these areas where I’m fixed and that is all I can do. If this relationship feels like it is stopping me growing in my recovery from my past, maybe I can grow in my acceptance of the relationship, like a flower growing around a rock and up.

And then I thought that for over a year now I’ve been working solidly on my sexual healing but I’ve never taken the first step in the physical exercises to become comfortable with my body, etc. And the reason I’m too scared to take that first step is I’m expecting some change from him, and I’m holding my own change to ransom. I’ve been holding myself back and blaming him.

I don’t do the exercises and my only sexual activity is occasionally (rarely) sneaking out the vibrator when he is away and won’t show up and having a very mechanical release before hiding it back so he doesn’t know I’ve moved it or done anything sexual because then he’ll expect more from me, he’ll expect me to be fixed. I didn’t do the exercises from any of the books tonight but I did allow myself to go with what I’m comfortable with and sat with it in mindfulness. Noticing I tense up my stomache and withhold feeling pleasure, learning to relax my stomache, let go of negative thoughts and acknowledge all these feelings that showed up as I did. I cried and I enjoyed pleasure and I felt free. This post is not about me allowing pleasure for the first time in years; it’s another light switch turned on in my head, another step in my journey.

I tried explaining how I feel with my latest bout of depression to my counsellor. I pointed at an area just below the window sill and said “I’m here, on the windowsill is doing fine / normal” (I hate using that word). Then I pointed straight down at the bin on the floor below and said that’s where I’ll end up if I let myself slide into it again.

She said it looked like I was very close to fine right now. I said “Yes, but it takes two months to climb back to fine from where I am and only a day or two to slide all the way down to that bin”.

I asked my hub to stop using words like weird and normal, especially when describing me. If I’m having a big anxiety moment the last thing I need is to be told “you’re acting weird” or “that’s not normal”.

It really doesn’t help! He said he’d “try”.

Today I had my first old person check up on the NHS. Good news: my risk of cardiac issues is very low which helps a lot with the fact that my anxiety causes an extreme tightness in my chest around 80% of my waking time. I have concerns with my high cholesterol that may lead to heart problems which makes my anxiety even worse and the chest pain is just there permanently. After my check today the tightness relaxed a little.

My cholesterol is also high but a marked drop from last year so that’s good and my weight is down too. Bad things are I’m rather inactive and must get a bit more greens in my diet, I’m close on that just not consistent.

Overall I’m happy.

The mental health training I’ve been doing likens stress to a bucket of water filled up by clouds in our life, and we can manage the bucket by releasing water through holes or taps at the bottom.

I assessed my taps last week and started making a list of things to do daily, regularly and when I need a boost. Like right now I need a serious boost.

I want to do a challenge because I like to tick things off but I think for this month I’m just going to track these habits (or taps) until the daily ones at least become habits and the regular ones become something I do more than twice a year!